Thinking and Doing

Long time, no blog. The lazy juices are flowing, while the creative waters lie still. Even some guilt is surfacing with this, which is simply ridiculous. Guilt is a useless emotion. Those that ARE guilty - your Charles Mansons and such - seem to have no guilt monster looming in their minds, while your average people like myself or possibly you, will feel guilty about the most minor things. Does this make any sense? No. But not much does, does it?

Why is it that sometimes (like today), I can be sitting in my 72 degree living room watching TV, and feel so cold that I have to bundle up under blankets? But then, on a 72 degree day OUTSIDE, I am wearing shorts and a T-shirt?

Anyways. I think I have not written in a while because things are going really well for me. And I think if I write about it, maybe I will jinx it. I am now working 6 hours a day and next week I go back to full time. It has been going really well. I have had only minor anxiety and when I have had it, I have dealt with it very well.

So what have I been doing to get better? Two things, I think. Thinking and Doing.

Thinking: I have been reading a book that was recommended to me called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. Now honestly, I am so sick of self help books. I stopped buying them a few years ago. This one I happened to buy a few years ago, then never read. So now I am giving in and reading ONE more self help book. And you know what, it's actually changing my life. The book is mainly about changing your thinking patterns. Most of us think negatively and were taught to do so very young. Even though I may not appear to be so, I am a very negative thinker - mostly about myself. It's easy to think positively about other people. But I realized the things I was telling myself on a daily basis were so detrimental. I say things like - you're such an idiot, I can't believe you did that, you look like crap, you're crazy, you're weak and you'll never amount to anything!

This book has taught me that how we think, is how we will experience. Feeling comes from thinking. If I continually berate myself and insult myself, how will I experience my life? How will I feel about myself and my life? Pretty crappy, right? So I am consciously trying to change the way I think. If I catch myself speaking negatively, I stop it immediately and replace it with something positive. It sounds goofy as hell but it's the only way to retrain your brain. I'm also trying to change the way I think about things and situations. I have been working very hard on changing my thinking about winter. I make winter out to be so much more dreary and scary even than it really is. Every time I think about winter or what it's like outside, I change my negative ideas to positive ones. This doesn't mean I'm going to LOVE winter with all my heart. But, I can learn to tolerate it better and not dread it so much. Today there was a snowstorm. Normally the night before I would worry about it. I would be nervous about the drive, be nervous while at work and not relaxed til I got home again. Last night I just said - whatever! It's going to snow! Big deal! It's nothing. Driving will be fun and I am perfectly capable of driving safely in the snow. And you know what? I had zero anxiety about the snow. A month ago I would have been worrying and dreading and making myself crazy. Today was a good day - even during a snowstorm!

Doing: Put simply, instead of sitting around thinking about how horrible the winter is, I'm getting out and doing things...I'm seeing people. I even went dancing last weekend! The more I sit alone in my house doing nothing, the more I think and the thinking turns negative. Not to say that I don't like spending quiet time alone, but if I'm being a hermit, things are going to go downhill fast.

Actually, I noticed an interesting thing last weekend. Friday when I got out of work until Sunday morning were great! I had fun, I did things, I saw friends...it was wonderful. On Sunday, I started to get nervous. When I sat and thought about WHY, it was BECAUSE I had had such a good weekend. I hadn't had any anxiety. When was the bomb going to drop??? I realized that when I enjoy myself, I feel as though I have to PAY FOR IT somehow...and I guess the way I pay is through anxiety. Anxiety is my punishment for ....what? Living my life? Having fun? I do it to myself. For some reason I think I don't deserve it. And that just brings me back to the negative things I say to myself. It's NOT true that I don't deserve it! That's bullshit!! I deserve to have friends and to have fun and to LIVE. And that's what I'm gonna do!