Moody Blue

Am I allowed to quote other people on this thing? I don't know. I guess someone will inform me if I'm committing a mortal sin. Today was one of those dark days. Convinced I will never get better but sink into a marsh of madness. My only consolation is that I know that people with anxiety issues fear they are going mad. So the fact that I'm worrying about it means I won't, right?

"Breathe deep, the gathering gloom. Watch lights fade from every room."
~ The Moody Blues, Nights in White Satin

I'm going to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be more like an 80's pop song. I can only hope.

What a difference 30 degrees makes!

There was magic in the air today. Maybe not magic, but some actual warmth which did wonders for my spirits. With the thermometer soaring to 56 degrees today, the urge to frolic outside overtook me. So I took my camera and went for a walk through the local cemetery. I guess that's not frolicking, but at least it was peaceful and calming.

I know a lot of people think that walking through cemeteries is a morbid thing, but I have always found it relaxing and anything but creepy. As a child my mother took me for a walk in the huge cemetery in Andover, Mass where we lived. We would walk and collect chestnuts from the trees and bring them home...I'm sure we must have cooked them or roasted them over an open fire or something - actually I don't remember that part. But it impressed in my mind very young that there was nothing to fear in a cemetery....only a treasure hunt with my mother.

On a day like today I feel hopeful. I feel like I can break free of the chains of fear that I let bind me. Tomorrow could be completely different. Can I bottle today up and then let a little out on the days when it's 20 degrees and sleeting? I guess I have to use my memory for that. It's amazing how we can forget the good moments so quickly when the darker moments come...it's almost as if it has always been dark. Even though the day before was bright.

On a completely different note, I have invented a new word. I actually came up with it a couple of years ago but I decided it's time to share it with the world (or with my one faithful reader!)
The word is "under-trippin." It's when you go to put your underwear on but your foot gets caught in the underwear and you can't find the leg hole to poke it through. So then you hop around hoping your foot goes through before you fall and hit your head on the dresser. I'll use it in a sentence. "Yesterday I was under-trippin' and lost my balance and fell on my head." Feel free to use this term whenever the situation allows - maybe it will catch on!

In the beginning....

From what people tell me, I have the appearance of a confident, with it, on the ball kind of person. My father says that when I was 5 years old, I seemed like I had it all together. What 5 year old "has it all together?" But obviously I learned young to fake it. I know that I learned this from my mother, who is the exact same way.

Contrary to how I "appear", I am not confident or with it at all. That is not to say that I'm a pile of useless mush; I can function in a responsible way for the most part. But inside I'm like Don Knotts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and I have always been this way. People are often shocked to learn that I have anxiety and depression problems. I guess I not only appear WITH IT but happy as well. I should get an Oscar.

My goal at this point in life, is to transform from a chicken to a brave adventurer. I have the heart of an adventurer but not the guts to go with it. I see people living the lives I want to live; people that care for orphaned orangutans in Borneo, people that actually travel on vacation without popping sedatives to get through it, people that can relax and enjoy themselves. My life is and has been stifled by a suffocating fear of ....well, living. Fears of sickness, fears of alone-ness and mostly the fear of fear. That's the worst one.

Why is it that our brains don't always seem like WE have control over them? I often feel like someone else is driving this train. And not a very logical person either. I try to reason with it (my brain) and it bucks and fights with the logic I present to it. I say, you are just driving to your cousin's house. There is nothing to fear. You like going there. You are a capable driver. You are safe. You have a cell phone if there are any problems. But my brain doesn't believe me. It says, you're full of crap! Run! Hide! Go back to bed! It isn't safe! Why don't I believe myself? Aren't we on the same team?

Currently, I am taking a break from working. I was increasingly having more and more anxiety attacks when I went to work. I am eager to get back but scared as well. What if I go back and it's the same again? What if I can't overcome this? I am trying my best to get back to "normal." I started taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I went to see a hypnotherapist that claims to be able to cure panic attacks. It was interesting. People think you are "out" when you are being hypnotized but you're not. You're just super duper relaxed. I was so relaxed that the therapist was digging her fingernails into my hand and I couldn't feel it. All I could think of was the Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb." "...my hands felt just like two balloons." That's exactly what it felt like. Then I started to wonder if that's what being on heroin felt like (which I've always assumed the song was about). But believe me, I never want to know the answer to that one. I'd never do drugs - I'm too scared of them!

So I'm basically waiting to see if the hypnosis worked. I need to get out there in the world and test it out. But of course, I'm afraid to. What if it didn't work? Where do I turn to next? I have already had about 10 years of therapy. How much more can a person do? It has been suggested to me that if I do something drastic like jump out of a plane, then all the little things I'm afraid of will disappear because I will have faced something really big. It sounds good in theory, but I doubt that would work - plus I have no desire to jump out of a plane. I have no desire for that adrenaline rush. Adrenaline rushes are my problem - I get them for no reason.

All I can think about lately is big sky country. Where is that? Wyoming? Montana? I feel like fishing in a beautiful lake surround by gorgeous mountains. And of course - it can't be winter there. It needs to be warm and comfortable and perfect. I feel somehow if I could get there I'd be ok. It's not logical. I think it's just so dark and dead and cold around here right now, I need an escape - a dream - some hope of some kind. If I get my gut to agree with my heart and follow it out into the world; if I can get them on the same page - I could make some dreams come true and leave this cage of fear behind. That is my plan.