Smorgasbord

Yesterday I went back to work after being out for about 4 weeks. I'm going to work half days for 3 or 4 weeks and then go back to a full shift again. It went very well. I managed to not get too nervous beforehand. Instead of watching the morning news, I watched a program on sea horses. Those are wild little animals. The men are the ones that get pregnant. What a great idea!

So today for my second day I watched an animal show again. I decided that the news is so depressing (including the weather) that I would just ignore it altogether (or at least in the mornings). Of course, animal shows can be depressing too. They're always eating each other and getting caught in traps and starving to death. When the cheetah starts heading for the water buffalo I go do my hair. I don't think denial is such a bad thing. If we all thought about all the terrible things going on in the world, we'd all go insane. So I've decided to focus on the good stuff. Today's show was about giraffes. And I realized looking at them, that they kind of look like sea horses....just much larger and on land. I wonder if they're related somehow. So I've decided that I don't HAVE to watch news shows in the morning. It's not written anywhere, so I'm not going to do it. That way, as I go through my day, I'm pondering why some animals have soulful eyes and some don't. (example; I find many dogs to have soulful eyes but not Pomeranians!) This is much less stressful than trying to figure out why some guy killed some other guy over 50 bucks.

Last night I had a revelation that I'm sure is not a new thought to other people...but to me, it hit me over the head like a brick. I was outside shoveling (for many hours) and I realized something about Winter. I have been dreading winter and hating it and being fearful of it. Now granted there are some things you can't do in the winter; gardening, fishing (unless you want to ice fish), riding your bike. But I realized that the main thing that make me happy in life, still exists in winter; the love and laughter of family and friends. Certainly these things don't stop when the temperature drops. It just takes a little extra push to get out of your cave and connect. I realized that in winter I disconnect. Why? I don't want to drive in the snow. I don't want to get cold. I don't want to ask anyone to do anything because maybe THEY don't want to go out in the cold either. I certainly don't want to put anyone out. Well F that!!! I'm getting out baby. I'll put on my stupid looking hat with the ugly flaps to cover my ears and take a walk with a friend or meet for coffee or go to the movies. Anything but sit alone on my ass all day watching TV and feeling ALONE. Why FEEL alone when I am not? So ridiculous!

I also realized something else. (I'm on a roll). I have a terrible fear of vomiting. I believe it is at the core of all my fears. I know this is gross but I'm laying it all out there. I have spent the past 15 years freaking out of various things due to this fear. I've avoided traveling and going on boats. I've stayed home because I don't feel "quite right" and I'm afraid to be out because "what if I get sick?" Well, I haven't thrown up since I was 21. That's 18 years! Are you kidding me? I've been freaking out about something that almost never ever happens to me. What a waste of time. I know phobias can't disappear overnight but I'm really going to work on shutting this one down. It's been sucking up my life long enough and I need to do some real living before I'm out of time.

Well, that was quite a random mish-mash of things. I never said this was going to be too interesting or well written, but it's a good reminder for me. Next week when I'm hiding in my apartment because it's dark and cold and I don't feel so hot, I'm going to read this and remind myself of these things.... love knows no seasons, say NO to worrying about stupid crap and get out there and be with those that make life worthwhile.