In the beginning....

From what people tell me, I have the appearance of a confident, with it, on the ball kind of person. My father says that when I was 5 years old, I seemed like I had it all together. What 5 year old "has it all together?" But obviously I learned young to fake it. I know that I learned this from my mother, who is the exact same way.

Contrary to how I "appear", I am not confident or with it at all. That is not to say that I'm a pile of useless mush; I can function in a responsible way for the most part. But inside I'm like Don Knotts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and I have always been this way. People are often shocked to learn that I have anxiety and depression problems. I guess I not only appear WITH IT but happy as well. I should get an Oscar.

My goal at this point in life, is to transform from a chicken to a brave adventurer. I have the heart of an adventurer but not the guts to go with it. I see people living the lives I want to live; people that care for orphaned orangutans in Borneo, people that actually travel on vacation without popping sedatives to get through it, people that can relax and enjoy themselves. My life is and has been stifled by a suffocating fear of ....well, living. Fears of sickness, fears of alone-ness and mostly the fear of fear. That's the worst one.

Why is it that our brains don't always seem like WE have control over them? I often feel like someone else is driving this train. And not a very logical person either. I try to reason with it (my brain) and it bucks and fights with the logic I present to it. I say, you are just driving to your cousin's house. There is nothing to fear. You like going there. You are a capable driver. You are safe. You have a cell phone if there are any problems. But my brain doesn't believe me. It says, you're full of crap! Run! Hide! Go back to bed! It isn't safe! Why don't I believe myself? Aren't we on the same team?

Currently, I am taking a break from working. I was increasingly having more and more anxiety attacks when I went to work. I am eager to get back but scared as well. What if I go back and it's the same again? What if I can't overcome this? I am trying my best to get back to "normal." I started taking a prescribed anti-anxiety medication. I went to see a hypnotherapist that claims to be able to cure panic attacks. It was interesting. People think you are "out" when you are being hypnotized but you're not. You're just super duper relaxed. I was so relaxed that the therapist was digging her fingernails into my hand and I couldn't feel it. All I could think of was the Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb." "...my hands felt just like two balloons." That's exactly what it felt like. Then I started to wonder if that's what being on heroin felt like (which I've always assumed the song was about). But believe me, I never want to know the answer to that one. I'd never do drugs - I'm too scared of them!

So I'm basically waiting to see if the hypnosis worked. I need to get out there in the world and test it out. But of course, I'm afraid to. What if it didn't work? Where do I turn to next? I have already had about 10 years of therapy. How much more can a person do? It has been suggested to me that if I do something drastic like jump out of a plane, then all the little things I'm afraid of will disappear because I will have faced something really big. It sounds good in theory, but I doubt that would work - plus I have no desire to jump out of a plane. I have no desire for that adrenaline rush. Adrenaline rushes are my problem - I get them for no reason.

All I can think about lately is big sky country. Where is that? Wyoming? Montana? I feel like fishing in a beautiful lake surround by gorgeous mountains. And of course - it can't be winter there. It needs to be warm and comfortable and perfect. I feel somehow if I could get there I'd be ok. It's not logical. I think it's just so dark and dead and cold around here right now, I need an escape - a dream - some hope of some kind. If I get my gut to agree with my heart and follow it out into the world; if I can get them on the same page - I could make some dreams come true and leave this cage of fear behind. That is my plan.